I have knots in my stomach and a pounding headache. As I type this my hands tremble. I have to drop Alba off to nursery in 45 minutes. She is 10 months old and has only ever been with Hasani, my mum, and me.
Her grey nursery bag is packed and by the door. I watch it and clench my jaw. It reminds me of my hospital bag that was by the door this time last year. How did a year pass so quickly? Can I press replay?
I look out the window and see the clouds moving in the sky. The news this morning said artic winds are causing the temperatures to plummet this week. It reminds me of a line from Mary Poppins “Winds in the east, mist coming in. / Like somethin' is brewin' and 'bout to begin.” I want to stop it. I feel like Captain Hook being chased by the crocodile with a ticking clock. Ten minutes have already passed since I started typing.
People keep asking me if I’m excited to start back work. I have not even thought about it. My mind is on Alba. They tell me “oh she will get to socialise and become more independent.” I’m not sure if they have thought this through or if it just sounds nice. I didn’t socialise till I was four years old because my mum stopped working for a few years to take care of us. I don’t lack any social skills. As for being independent…Hasani and I are happy to pay her bills and provide her with housing for many more years.
Five more minutes have passed. Time for me to wake her from her nap and drop her off. I remember when I kissed my mum goodbye to go to the hospital for labour to be induced. It must have been hard for mum, I didn’t think of that then. Time for me to kiss my baby goodbye and entrust her in someone else’ care. The circle of life.
